On Superbowl Sunday, I found out my mother has breast cancer. She's 56 years old. I feel angry and cheated and- lost. I woke up to my mom's voice quietly telling me through the gentle stream of tears down her face "Oread, I have breast cancer." Now, nothing will ever be the same. When her little sister, my aunt, got breast cancer years ago we thought it was a fluke- cells in her breast started to multiply uncontrollable and formed a malignant lump. She got chemo, radiation, bing-bada-boom, done. We could all go back to our blessedly-simple lives. I wish- God- I wish that were true now. It's amazing, something the size of a quarter in a right breast can result in such...well, whatever this is.
I am stagnant water and slowly I am being poisoned by insect-like thoughts laying disease-riddled eggs of doubt, dispair, and agony. I am watching my life through darkened green eyes- and I can't pull myself out.
I decided to start a blog to talk. The more I talk, the more I feel like I am starting to perform in my life, rather than watch it. Maybe someone out there is just like me, who has a family member or friend struggling with cancer. Maybe we can work through it together, we can learn that it's okay to be angry, that it's okay to think "Hey, God, I thought we had a fucking deal??" and that it's okay to not know what to say at all but still... it feels better when I can put "my mom has stage 2 breast cancer" from my thoughts to a box on a white screen. Maybe I can be put all these frightened feelings out in the open- I can Hurl My Green- and maybe someone will read it and help me as I help them. This is my first blog, and I'm sending it out to the world- for whoever needs to read it as much as I need to write it.
-Oread
I am so sorry about your mother. I am a mother who was diagnosed with breast cancer in jan/11. My son is 13, and I hope he is doing as well as it seems, but I worry about him. I have already had surgery, but getting ready to start chemo and I am scared to death. If if wasnt for my son, I am not sure if I would do the chemo, but I cant imagine him having to grow up without a mother. I hope that you and your family have found some means of support. I have been looking online at several sites, and there are many that have a section for family members, and there is tons of info out there. My advice as a mother and a breast cancer patient is let your mother know that you love her, and that you are upset and scared . Tell her that you want to be there for her, and do what ever you can to help. Try and find someone you can talk to, and I will be praying for you and your mother. Take care.
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